New Diseases

SARS is not our only worry. The Ministry of Health is now asking the public to be on the lookout for symptoms of the following new contagious diseases -

Assma - Severe rashes around the mouth caused by kissing too much ass, the No. 1 disease in Malaysia. Civil servants are unusually at risk.

Dialarrhoea - Uncontrollable urge to continually dial friends on mobile phone to share with them such important information as "I'm now on the LRT" or "I'm walking towards the car." Victims can be recognised by large, twitching thumb.

Meesles - Blotchy skin condition caused by eating too many packets of instant noodles.

Multiple Spousosis - Affliction whereby victims make frequent trips to Thailand, Indonesia, and China to take on additional brides. Middle-aged men are at significant risk.

Yellow Fever - Compulsion to date Asian females. Very common affliction amongst foreign talent/expatriates working in Malaysia. Also known as Pinkerton's Disease.

Totonus - Flushed complexion, high blood pressure and sometimes depression at finding out one has not touched lottery.

Heavytitis - Excessively large breasts. This disease comes in several variant strains: Heavytitis A, Heavytitis B, Heavytitis C and sometimes Heavytitis DD.

Cybertension - Feelings of stress and panic caused by lack of internet access.

Dyebetes - A compulsive need to colour one's hair. Reddish brown tints are the most common symptom, but health authorities have reported a new strain of blond highlights.

Chicken Tox - Victims exhibit a great need to talk cock. Incurable and highly contagious. Spread by ordinary conversation, and may be exacerbated by good food and alcohol. Politicians and lawyers are especially susceptible. Incurable.

Meet Dr. Melvin Thomas, M.D., CNP. of Miami, Florida.
Graduated From University of Illinois at SpringField.

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